Smeared Lipstick

sarahliz_smiles @ 2007-11-29T15:11:00

2007-11-29T21:40:40Z

so thanksgiving has come and gone, but with it comes the holiday season, full of all of my favorite foods and drinks. every time i come home my family seems to go out for every meal, so from wednesday to sunday night we went from restaurant to restaurant, and though i tried to say no to the sweets it didn't work out so well. especially when i was assigned pie duty for thanksgiving. as in, i made the fillings for five pies. and for some odd reason the filling for the pecan pie looked too low in the piepan, so i had to double the recipe. which meant 2 sticks of butter, 2 cups of sugar, and an entire bottle of cornsyrup. oh how i love pecan pie! i can't resist it when i know we only make it once a year for thanksgiving, but i swear i could feel the butter clogging my arteries.

naturally im now stuck trying to make up for my poor eating, but the end of the semester brings other problems. namely, the $300 i still have on my college meal plan that is nonrefundable and won't transfer to next semester so i have to use it. and thats not even counting the $90 i have just for vending machines. ugh :(

the remedy i think is water. buy lots and lots of water. and muffins, because im addicted to the chocolate chip and blueberry ones they make every day for breakfast. they fill me up for hours. i've noticed im not hungry as much anymore during the day. in september i used to be constantly snacking; now i have all these 100 calorie packs that i know ill never eat. oh well.

your life will be happy and peaceful

2007-11-18T05:22:58Z

that's my fortune from the fortune cookie i got with my chinese food. my roommate and i were starving and with it being 11:00 we couldn't go to a dining hall, so we got takeout. i havent had chinese food in ages and it was so delicious and should satisfy whatever cravings i'll have for asian food in the next few weeks. that is, until finals week and i dont have time to leave my room from all the work ill have.

oh, how i love chinese food! more than garbage plates even.

i was a bit disappointed with my fortune: your life will be happy and peaceful? i miss the cryptic fortunes i used to get when i was little, back when i'd go to chinese restaurants with the spinny table-tops that had crunchy noodles for me to eat. they were quite amusing. this one seemed too......fake. no one's life is happy and peaceful. we all have to suffer for a while, and after we suffer, we look back and realize that those years were the best.

and right now, i'm in the middle of those suffering years. i thought high school was barely tolerable; college is just as bad. for different reasons, however. mostly the large amount of work, idiotic and drunk college men trying to pick me up by trying to impress me with "im smart babe, my gpa is a 2.9," and my own insecurities. hopefully, as long as i don't do anything stupid, and increase my gpa, it will all turn out okay.

here it comes, a better version of me

2007-11-16T18:12:43Z

im starting to really watch what im eating, and im drinking about 60 oz of water every day, which is about 60 oz more than i was drinking before halloween, when i decided to make some changes. i must be dehydrated because i finish off a 20 oz bottle of aquafina in five minutes or less, but i have a feeling that it's because the vending machines keep the water really cold and that's the only way i like my water--almost freezing. i don't like when it starts warming up, so maybe that's why i drink it so fast. either way, im still only getting through three bottles a day, simply because i don't always have the time to go running to pee.

ive also noticed that now that im drinking more water, i don't want my diet coke as much anymore. this is very odd, since i was raised on soda and switched to diet when i was around 13 (i preferred the taste better, and my best friend had it at her house and we'd drink it while watching harry potter movies.) a few weeks ago i was drinking two or more bottles of diet coke a day--about 32 ounces i think. i opened a bottle yesterday because i wanted something sweet (and i was working on a paper and needed energy) but i still haven't finished it.

starting on halloween, i decided i wanted to try the JUDDD diet. I was able to stick to it for about five days, when my parents came to visit and took me out for pizza on a down day. since then, i havent been able to restrict (not that i want to, i was positively miserable when i couldn't eat, and in college it's hard to find low-calorie options.) but ive modified the program a little bit. i still consider "up days" and "down days" but on my down days i don't limit myself to a certain number of calories, but i don't go to get ice cream with my roommate nor do i get a huge bowl of pasta for dinner. i also try to drink more water than lemonade, and not pig out on the various unhealthy items in our fridge. (we do, however, have 10 calorie packs of jello, which we eat with 15 calorie servings of coolwhip. i might have one later actually.) today is one of my "down days" and all ive had so far is a glass of cranberry juice and a chocolate-chip muffin. that was at 11am, and it should hold me over until 2ish when i think i'm going to get a wrap. the union is making hummus wraps, and i'd like to try one and see if i like it.

the hardest part will be getting all of my vegetables during the day. i just cant eat salads for some reason; i end up eating the onions and toppings and leaving the bed of lettuce. i think im just paranoid that i don't know when the salads were made. and ive never really been a fan of them anyways, i just like the toppings like olives and onions and green peppers and mushrooms. sometimes when i want veggies ill go to the salad bar, fill my plate with those items and dip them in 1000 island dressing. but i can't do that all the time, since i don't always go to that dining hall (thank you crazy late classes for messing with my dinner hours.)

bah. only a few more days and im going home. to thanksgiving turkey, stuffing, and pie. lots and lots of pie. heaven help me.

sarahliz_smiles @ 2007-11-14T14:43:00

2007-11-14T19:46:43Z

i wish i had the ability to start a diet and stick to it.

but alas, i have no control when it comes to chocolate. no control whatsoever.

damn you, sweet tooth.

sarahliz_smiles @ 2007-11-04T22:26:00

2007-11-05T03:36:14Z

i have this need to lose weight.

according to the numerous bmi calculators on the internet that i've used (one can never be too sure of anything, and the internet usually warrants a second opinion) im considered 'slightly overweight.' this, of course, is completely unacceptable. i am a college student. i eat fattening college food and i can't get out of it due to the mandatory mealplan. which, of course, is nontransferable, so if i don't use the remaining $600 balance it won't carry over to next semester and i'll lose that money.

losing weight in college is not going to be easy. for starters, i have been living off of bagels and creamcheese most of the semester, and i've come to realize they aren't exactly less calories than plain bread. i eat a lot of carbs--every meal includes either a sandwich, a bagel, or pasta with sauce. i try to get salads but ive never been a huge fan of them, and i usually just end up picking the toppings off and leaving the lettuce untouched. i was going to the gym while the scanner was broken and i didn't have to pay, but they recently fixed it and somehow i've not had the time to go and actually register.

for a while, i felt fine about my weight in college. my parents didn't say anything when i went home for break, so i assumed i wasn't gaining much, if anything. which is unfortunate because in actuality i have gained probably 8 pounds in two months. that is completely unacceptable.

tomorrow, when i am done with my early morning class, i am stopping into the gym and registering. then i am picking up my new rainboots from the mailroom and i am not going to stop to buy a bagel and cream cheese sandwich for lunch. we'll see how long i can hold out for.

the beginning

2007-11-03T04:34:41Z

i suppose you could say i made this livejournal as a way to escape. not because i have a serious problem, but because i need a way to get thoughts out that i don't necessarily want my friends from home hearing. they think my life is perfect--i can assure you that it's far from that. it's never been perfect, and so far i've been able to handle that, and manage as best as i can. i've made plenty of "mistakes." i don't think some of what i've done is necessarily a mistake, but i know my friends judge me for it, because it's not something they would ever expect me doing. i think that's because, on some level, they still don't know me.

the time has come to begin making some changes in my life. hopefully, these changes will help me on my path to becoming a writer and a teacher. a mentor and a friend. to finally be comfortable in my own skin and be able to look in a mirror without criticizing my appearance. i want to be a better, happier person.

and in order to become that person, i need to come forward and finally step into the light. it's time to stop being a wallflower. it's time to express myself through my writing, and acheive the vision i have for myself--one i haven't been able to attain. it's time to finally lose the weight i've wanted to lose for years, and gain confidence in return.

i don't know how often i'll post, or what i'll post. it might be something i wrote for my novel, or a memory from my childhood that's impacted who i've been up to this point. it could be a blurb about how my day went, or how my weight loss is coming along.

i have a long road ahead of me. it won't be easy, but i know that in the end i'll be a better person. because when i reach the end, i'll finally be me.